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I really don’t know where to start with this post. And I apologize in advance for it being all over the place. This also won’t be a bubbly pregnancy announcement post…
Last few weeks have been hard. I have been slightly MIA, and haven’t talked much about the pregnancy because, well we don’t know if we are going to end up having a baby.
For the past three weeks, we have done multiple ultrasounds and blood work to figure out what’s going on, and we still don’t have any answers.
At our first ultrasound appointment, we didn’t see anything. Just an amniotic sac, no yolk, no baby. I ended up getting blood work done, and all my levels came back great. Next ultrasound, still no baby, but this time we did see a yolk. The doctor is now ruling this an abnormal pregnancy, and we are still waiting for test results and have to wait one more week for a third ultrasound, but she isn’t 100% sure on much.
My heart hurts, Jordan’s heart hurts. The last few weeks have been really hard; it’s been a lot of praying, believing and seeking Gods face.
The worst part has been having to wait for every test result, and not knowing all the answers. A part of me just wants this to be done.
I heard Hillary Scott’s Thy Will on the radio and immediately knew this would be the song to get me through this season of life. Her lyrics go on to say, “That my broken heart is a part of Your plan, when I try to pray, all I’ve got is hurt and these four words… Thy will be done”… Such simple words, but what a song!
I’m trying to make sense of everything going on. All I can say is God, have your way. I’m all over the place, but oddly enough, there’s peace in my heart. And, it’s just crazy… I thought that I would be more angry, or upset at God, but I’m not.
I feel him now more than ever, and I know that when I hurt, he hurts. The scripture that comes to my mind is when Jesus is praying (right before he gets arrested) to God and he says … “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Not as I will, but as you will.”
This pregnancy is not sure, and I don’t know what’s going to happen.
Do I have faith that God works in the supernatural? YES! Do I believe God can heal? Do I believe that my God is bigger than any medical report? YES and YES! As much as my heart cries out for a baby to be in there, I also want God’s will to be done- whatever that may be.
This isn’t a surprise to him, He didn’t promise sunshine and roses, but he promised us during the trials and setbacks, that he will be with us… and I know that without a doubt in my mind, that he IS near.
I also know that the battle has already been won!
I have so much to be thankful for. I pray that God will get the glory, no matter what the outcome is. My heart hurts, but I will still keep praising no matter what. God is GOOD.
I want to sign off with encouragement, that if you’re in a season of hardship and trials, keep praising, keep leaning into God. What you are going through is not a surprise to him. Tests are not easy, it’s not comfortable, but his word says he “works all things together for good” (Romans 8:28) and in Romans 5:3-5 … “because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Take heart, for he has already overcome this world.
Have a good weekend!!
Photos by Ailee Petrovic