It’s been one year.
Time flies. But I still remember how everything happened as if it was just yesterday.
For those of you who just recently started following along, or not know the full story, last year we experienced what would have been the hardest thing I would have ever faced personally. We were “trying” and got pregnant very quickly. Only to find out the baby was not developing as he/she should have been.
Phew, I remember sitting in ultrasound room thinking, my God, this can not be happening to me. To us. Weeks go by, and I end up having a miscarriage and had to have a D&C.
I think during that time I was just going through the emotions. Numb to it all, and I couldn’t believe this was happening to us. Questioning God “Why? Why let this happen,”. Wondering what was his plan and purpose in this. Pleading with him, begging him, to please let the miscarriage pass.
For weeks I tried to be strong for Jordan. Almost as if a part of me couldn’t bear to let him see me in pain. Or how much my heart ached. In my mind, I knew if he saw how much pain I was in, I knew THAT would break him. And I couldn’t handle that feeling.
It took over six months to get pregnant again. Those six months were hard. Everyone was getting pregnant, babies everywhere. And nothing going on over here. Those six months killed me; I bought more pregnancy tests than I could count. And I seriously thought something was wrong with me.
Fast forward to today, we are expecting our third baby boy. Liam Jordan. But to say this pregnancy has been easy would be an understatement.
I had to buy a doppler early on, and I checked Liam’s heartbeat daily. Paranoid that something would happen to him. Doctors appointment make me nervous. And the dreams I have of losing him, or something bad happening gets the best of me. I wake up in night sweats.
I have to pray and seek God constantly. Remind myself that God is good, no matter the outcome. And that his love for me, his love from Liam exceeds everything and anything.
We plan on getting pregnant again after Liam, but to be honest, I don’t know if any of my pregnancies will ever be the same. Will I always have that worry or fear of miscarriage in the back of my mind? I pray not. I don’t want to live in fear or be shackled by the chains. That’s not a way to live. “I’m no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God.”
As we get closer and closer to Liam’s birth, I am reminded that God is good, and he has a plan and a purpose for everything. We live in a fallen world, what the enemy has taken for evil, God can use for his glory.
My life, my story, is for his glory. He’s not done with me. And every day is a new day. I take it day by day and have faith in God.
outfit details: top / jeans (similar maternity denim) / shoes / necklace
photos by Julia Gozman
Thank you so much for stopping by, have a great day!
What a deep post straight from the heart. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story.
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
I love you baby!! Great post!! ?
You are such a beautiful and brave person Elly!!! Thank you so much for this post!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, Marina for your sweet words!
My story is so similar to your own, I wanted to write. I too had a late miscarriage between our two older girls and my third daughter. It took more than a year to get pregnant again after the miscarriage. My own rainbow baby is approaching her third birthday now, perfect and healthy. I lived in fear every day of her pregnancy and through delivery that something would go wrong again, but it never did. I don’t think pregnancy can ever be the same after such a loss, but your son will day by day help you heal from the loss. Good luck and god bless!
Thank you so much Monica! So happy to hear that everything went smooth and that you are daughter will not be three, Happy birthday to her! Thank you again for reading and commenting <3 🙂
This hits so so close to home. I had a miscarriage before my son (Liam too!) and it changed everything for me. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and I still get anxious and sad sometimes. I have often thought about getting a doppler but worried it would make me more anxious. Did you ever find that? What kind did you get? thinking and praying for you and this sweet baby!
I am so sorry Morgan! I hate to hear that :(. Honestly, having the doppler for me put my mind at ease. I just got one off the internet, just a basic one for like $60. Congrats on expecting though, is your baby’s name Liam too then? That’s so cool! Liam is a great name! 😉
The same thing happened to my wife and me when we were first trying to get pregnant. We were both devastated but I’m sure she was more so. But she was so brave, trying to keep it together so I wouldn’t fall apart. You women are amazing!
I am so sorry y’all had to go through that Joe! Praying for you both!