It’s been one year.
Time flies. But I still remember how everything happened as if it was just yesterday.
For those of you who just recently started following along, or not know the full story, last year we experienced what would have been the hardest thing I would have ever faced personally. We were “trying” and got pregnant very quickly. Only to find out the baby was not developing as he/she should have been.
Phew, I remember sitting in ultrasound room thinking, my God, this can not be happening to me. To us. Weeks go by, and I end up having a miscarriage and had to have a D&C.
I think during that time I was just going through the emotions. Numb to it all, and I couldn’t believe this was happening to us. Questioning God “Why? Why let this happen,”. Wondering what was his plan and purpose in this. Pleading with him, begging him, to please let the miscarriage pass.
For weeks I tried to be strong for Jordan. Almost as if a part of me couldn’t bare to let him see me in pain. Or how much my heart ached. In my mind, I knew if he saw how much pain I was in, I knew THAT would break him. And I couldn’t handle that feeling.
It took over six months to get pregnant again. Those six months were hard. Everyone was getting pregnant, babies everywhere. And nothing going on over here. Those six months killed me; I bought more pregnancy tests than I could count. And I seriously thought something was wrong with me.
Fast forward to today, we are expecting our third baby boy. Liam Jordan. But to say this pregnancy has been easy would be an understatement.
I had to buy a doppler early on, and I checked Liam’s heartbeat daily. Paranoid that something would happen to him. Doctors appointment make me nervous. And the dreams I have of losing him, or something bad happening gets the best of me. I wake up in night sweats.
I have to pray and seek God constantly. Remind myself that God is good, no matter the outcome. And that his love for me, his love from Liam exceeds everything and anything.
We plan on getting pregnant again after Liam, but to be honest, I don’t know if any of my pregnancies will ever be the same. Will I always have that worry or fear of miscarriage in the back of my mind? I pray not. I don’t want to live in fear or be shackled by the chains. That’s not a way to live. “I’m no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God.”
As we get closer and closer to Liam’s birth, I am reminded that God is good, and he has a plan and a purpose for everything. We live in a fallen world, what the enemy has taken for evil, God can use for his glory.
My life, my story, is for his glory. He’s not done with me. And every day is a new day. I take it day by day and have faith in God.
photos by Julia Gozman
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